This is mine and Kitty15's entry for the Poetry Pairs contest.
Dear husband,
Home is quiet without you.
Maybe you don't even call it home anymore,
sleeping with your new mistress
on her earthen bed.
I might lose you to that distant country,
You clearly prefer her over me,
satisfied as the cat with the cream
while our life is milk.
My life. My home.
But whatever you call it,
please come back to this place
where I am, where we used to be,
where the car keys still hang, neglected and suicidal
on their hook. They miss the way you'd grab them,
shout "let's go!" and run out the door.
Now you grab your gun.
Dear Soldier,
I could be writing to a ghost by now,
your body out there – somewhere -
riddled with bullets, blasted to pieces.
Your soul return to sender, am I right?
The dead can't call you coward
or pin the puckered feather on your breast.
And if you're not here, neither can I.
Every day I feel like I need you.
Maybe when you get a chance to stop
and take a breath, you'll need me too.
Maim me, shoot me, make me the enemy
I’d rather have you here to hate me
than to never see you return.
Dear Murderer,
You think you're getting good at playing soldier,
with your dated uniform and loaded gun.
Well let me tell you that's not how it is -
you've got your ammunition and I've got mine
but you're out of range,
Come closer, dear, closer so I can take a shot.
I feel like I'm treading water,
drowning in your letters.
You think scratching your pen across paper
once in a while is good enough for us to survive.
It's barely keeping us alive.
Dear Corpse,
You didn't reply to my last letter.
Turn around and face me, coward -
heroes don't turn their backs
on love or family.
And I grow tired of waiting for the news
that brings you back to me,
stripped of your weapon and laid out flat
in a you shaped box,
strangled by our nation's flag.
A hero wouldn't abandon me,
because heroes don't run away
And every day I try to carry on
knowing you could have chosen to stay.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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That was a really good poem. I don't think you should keep a certain number of lines in each letter because it kinda emphesizes the point that her as well his letters are getting shorter and less discreet. I could see how the wife steadily got angrier, and in general it was a very strong poem. All the words sounded right, and it was a pretty piece of literature exept that word in the end - "Dear corpse," - kinda bothered me. Why would you write to a corpse? Maybe you should try a different word...
Nice.
Yeah, that's right. Glad you liked it!
I really like this poem. I love the way all the letter are addressed to different people. I don't know if it's me but I think although they are addressed differently they are addressed to the same person. Would I be right in thinking that? I love it when people work collaboratively, there's better ideas and less brain blockages. You also end up with something amazing like this at the end.
Keep writing, both of you.
-Wolfie
Hi, Heather and Matt!
Thought I'd drop by and give this a quick review. I will say that I like this a lot; I was confident in the poem that I had submitted with Razcoon, but now I'm not so sure, lol. There's a lot of good poems that are being entered, and this is definitely one of them!It's funny, because you guys wrote about the same thing that Raz and I did, but in reverse, and it's funny to see how are poems are both similar and different. I like how this is in the form of letters, and it's cool that while the imagery is simple, you still manage to show a lot.
My only comment is a tiny one, and that is the general content. This was kind of hard to follow, and it took a few read-throughs to get the full gist of it. Okay, so she's mad that her husband has gone to war. Even when he dies, she's still mad at him. It doesn't really have the emotional impact that I feel like it should. Instead of have so many different letters, I would just focus on a couple and really develop them. Even though this poetry, you can still develop the narrator's character a lot; why exactly is she mad at her husband for going off to war? What does she miss the most about him? What made him decide to go to war in the first place?
It may not seem like a lot, but those little details, coupled with the stellar imagery and word choice -- which you already seem to have a good handle on -- will really make the poem into a masterpiece.
That's all I really I have. I hope this helps you with your revisions, and either of you can let me know if you have any questions. Good luck in the contest!
~ Elinor
This is a beautiful piece. You did a great job capturing the imagery and it is a very touching work.
Thank you for the suggestion, Flyers and thank you Rasca for your comments, I'm glad you enjoyed it
Being the daughter of a retired soldier, this hits home. I think it's a beautiful piece. There were a few places where the flow felt interrupted, but other than that you guys did an amazing job. I love how you portray the woman as angry at her husband, in a mind set that hes cheating on her with the other country. This is absolutely brilliant I think
Bravo!
I like this poem. This woman isn't proud of her husband's sacrifice like the government tells her to be. She is angry, and has a right to be. She accuses her husband of being a murderer, a coward, and a corpse. However, each letter seems to be a bit disjointed, singular, as opposed to one of the whole. My suggestion to fixing this, make each format the same rhythmically, and keep to a set number of lines.
Good job.